Rock You Like A Hurricane

I cry. But no one can see my tears. I scream. But no one can hear my voice. I slowly perish. But still I have to smile and pretend to be ‘right there’.

But I’m not there. I’m sitting beside you but I’m not with you. I look into your eyes but I don’t see your trivial expressions. I hear your voice but I don’t listen to you. I am simply not present.

You are happy, you have things to do, you have your little goals and imprisoned dreams. You cannot possibly understand me. But I don’t have any grudge against you. No… You are simple. You are beautiful. You are challenging.

But it does take a lot of courage to live amidst these faces and pretend that I’m happy, that I’m fine, that I’m satisfied. Occasionally perhaps yes I am happy, just as occasionally I’m sad.

But no, the words are wrong. What I feel from time to time are not happiness and sadness; I feel a bubbling mirth and a thick, viscous gloom.

Hollowness is different though. It kills. But today’s gloom – it fills.

It is so dense, compact, compressed that my eyes fill up before I can control it. I don’t cry, but the sweet sorrow engulfs me, fills me up to the point of overflowing, and when it does look for a outlet either that is my eyes or my words.

Who has cared about what I have gone through? Who has understood my trauma? Who has tried to protect me from myself and the world? Who has tried to make me happy? Who has understood ME, my passions, my loneliness, my melancholy, my desire, my honesty?

None. And I no longer expect. People want me. They desire me. I would prefer the ‘honest’ desire than the ‘pretentious’ care.

Don’t need anybody’s concern or pity. Don’t need anybody’s pretension to understand me. For one thing, you don’t, and for another, I hate pretensions. You really don’t care about me. I wish I had known that from the beginning.

But now that things are slowly becoming clearer, I am going to be difficult. Now that the world slowly undresses itself, I will cover myself up. If you ever had the chance to know me now you have lost it. I’ll forever remain unknown. You cannot dig me up again.

Now I will be the one doing the pretension. You will look into my eyes and I’ll make sure that you cannot see me. Touch me, hold me, feel me, but I’ll make sure that you never penetrate my heart.

Ha ha! Funny, isn’t it? Funny to think how really stupid you all are? Funny that you don’t understand me a bit? And funny that I have lost the desire to know you. But there will be a hint… only for another soul like mine… a thread which only a very rare person will be able to pick up… the missing link.

I am game.